


Flip, Flop and Fly

by redletalis



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brotherly Affection, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redletalis/pseuds/redletalis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Uchiha Itachi didn’t grow up as an Uchiha? What if he didn’t grow up as a shinobi at all? What if Konoha and the Uchiha Clan wanted him back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So! I have showed up here as well finally. I am known as The Red Dragons Order on FanFiction.net, and this story is posted there as well. 
> 
> Just to mention it: I own only the obvious, the rest belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. 
> 
> Please read and enjoy!

 

Itachi smirked and placed his cards on the table. He had won the game once again, and the other players groaned and sighed in exasperation, but there was a definite note of fondness in their mannerisms.

“I swear, one day I’m going to figure out how you manage to cheat so well, Itachi,” Rodriguez promised as he watched the younger man pick up his winnings.

“Simple mathematics and nothing else,” Itachi replied smugly and looked around the table. “Anyone up for round two?” he asked and held up the deck of cards, ready to shuffle.

“Forget it,” Garcia muttered. “I want to keep some of my hard-earned wages.”

“You’re only going to spend them as soon as you get home,” Rodriguez pointed out with a grin.

“For your information, I’m going to be spending my entire week-long, long-deserved vacation lazing about at home, not moving a single inch.” Garcia replied and stuck out her tongue. She turned to look at another man sitting further away. “Now I understand why you didn’t want to join the game, Parker. You knew this little genius here would win, didn’t you?”

Parker didn’t even look up from the book he was reading. “Of course I did.”

“You could have warned us!” Leigh muttered.

“That wouldn’t have been half as fun,” Parker replied, casting the four card-players an amused look.

Rodriguez sighed. “Regardless, I am going to win against you, Itachi!”

Henson and Collins chuckled and looked up from their game of chess. “You know you will never achieve that.” Henson said. “Itachi here is far too smart for you.”

“And that says a lot when you remember that Itachi is only 17, and you’re 35.” Collins added.

Itachi watched all this bickering, and couldn’t help but smile. These people were his friends and equals despite the large difference in age. They joked together, they teased each other, they helped each other, and they worked together. Rodriguez, Garcia and Henson were wonderful people, and were always ready to do their share of the work and more. Collins was responsible for the press, and Leigh was the computer whiz of the group. Lastly there was Parker. He was the leader of the group and also the oldest one. It was he who had discovered Itachi and brought him to the group despite his young age. They were the best Criminal Behaviour Analysis unit the FBI had, and they were proud of it!

Itachi Kishimoto truly was a real genius. He had shot through the school-system almost faster than one could blink, and therefore he had graduated a heck of a lot earlier than anyone had ever expected. After deciding at a young age that he wanted to become a profiler, he had worked hard for that goal, and here he was, amongst these wonderful people, and on his way home from their latest case.

“So, how are you going to spend the vacation, Itachi?” Rodriguez asked.

The teenager blinked himself out of his thoughts, and replied. “I’m going back home. It’s been almost six months since I last saw grandpa and grandma. I miss them.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to spend all the time reading again. You know more stuff than the entire group!” Collins said.

“No, I’m going to follow Garcia’s example and relax.” Itachi answered. “Perhaps I’ll take out my old guitar even.”

“You know everything about the job, you are one of the best sharpshooters in the unit, you play the guitar, you know how to dance, and you can cheat at poker! Is there anything you can’t or don’t know, Itachi?” Garcia sighed.

“Martial arts,” Itachi deadpanned. “My grandpa runs a dojo, and he always wanted me to take over, but I never did get any good at it. The only thing I learned was to duck out of the way.”

“That’s a valuable skill as well,” Parker said and turned a new page in his book. Everyone laughed or chuckled, and then settled down for the rest of the trip back to the FBI HQs in Washington D.C.

**I**

It was raining heavily, yet still the streets of Chinatown, New York, weren’t completely deserted. People were running hurriedly to and fro in an attempt to get home before they were completely soaked. Vendors were gathering their wares, and shops were closing down seeing as few sane people would be out in this weather, though they would open up later on when the rain was over. Itachi was almost squirming as the cab drove through the streets. He was finally back home, and he planned to stay here for the entire week. Gods, how he had missed this place, and he had missed his home and family even more. Said building was now coming up, and the cabby started to slow down, and finally pulled over.

“There ya go, Kishimoto’s Dojo.” The driver said, then rattled off the price.

“Thanks, and keep the change.” The teenager handed the driver the money, got his bag from the trunk, then hurried up the steps, and into the house. He discarded his coat and bag by the door, took off his shoes, then proceeded through the Japanese-styled house, looking for either of his adoptive grandparents. Yes, adoptive. Itachi was adopted by the Kishimoto pair sixteen years ago. The people at the orphanage didn’t know where Itachi came from, nor who his parents were, they had simply found him on their doorstep. One of the workers, a half-Japanese woman, had named him when she saw the weasel sown in on a corner of the blanked Itachi had been found wrapped in.

“I’m home! Hello?! Grandma? Grandpa?” he called out, but got no reply. The house was completely silent. Usually his grandfather would’ve attacked him by now, only to sail by when Itachi avoided the attack. Then his grandmother would appear and scold her husband, before she turned her attention to Itachi and smothered him with kisses and hugs.

Something on the floor caught his attention. It was a trail of coloured paper which led him to the doorway leading into the living room. There were two reasons for this, as far as he could see. One: his grandparents were going to throw a surprise party for him, or two: someone had interrupted them right in the middle of preparing for said surprise party. The former was more likely than the latter, Itachi thought, but still he slowly reached into his holster and pulled out his gun. It was better to be safe than sorry.

With the gun in his hand, he walked into the dark living room but kept close to the entrance in case he needed to make a quick getaway. “Hello? Anyone here?” he called.

Suddenly the lights went on, and several people shouted: “Welcome home, Itachi!”

Itachi relaxed, and discretely put away the weapon. He grinned at the gathered people. “You shouldn’t have!”

An elderly Japanese woman stepped forwards, and pushed him into the closest chair. “Of course we should! You’re my grandson, and you deserve it! An FBI agent at such a young age! Here, have some dango!” she pushed the sweet into his hands.

“Thanks, grandma. Hello Misao!”

“We’ve been following your career closely, Itachi-kun. You’re very good at what you do!” Misao said with a grin. She was one of the few friends Itachi had in his early childhood that hadn’t at all been scared away by his superior intellect. She held out a neatly-wrapped box. “Here you go. It’s not much, but I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Itachi accepted it, took off the wrapping, then jumped up and hugged Misao when he saw what it was. “You’re a saving angel, Misao-chan!”

“Yeah, well, I remember you telling me that you never had any time to get any whilst on work and how much you missed it, so…” she trailed off, and watched with a grin as Itachi eagerly devoured her present. “I’ve heard of people being hooked on drugs, but you’re the only one I know who’s hooked on pocky.”

Itachi looked up at her, one of the sticks half-way to his mouth. “Pocky is god’s gift to men.” He declared and continued munching, the dango nearly forgotten. But it wasn’t completely forgotten, and small hands reached up to grab the treat. Itachi looked down at the perpetrator. “I thought you were too old to sneak around like that, Shinta?”

The boy stuck out his tongue. “Not when it comes to dango. And you’re only seven years older than me, and look at how you act around pocky! So _nyah_!”

“Respect your elders, brat!” Itachi laughed and playfully tried to keep the dango out of the boy’s reach.

“LOOK WHO’S TALKING!!!!” A new voice shouted, and it was followed by the appearance of an elderly man. Said elderly man then promptly tried to punch Itachi, but the teenager easily avoided the hit. “When are you going to take over the dojo?”

“Never.”

“Wrong answer! Attack!”

Itachi avoided the attack, and sighed in exasperation, though there was a smile on his face. “Why can’t someone else in the family take over? I mean, Kaoru-nee-san has a son, and Yuriko-nee-san has two! Why me?”

The elderly Mr Kishimoto stopped up. “Because I say so?” he said, though it sounded more like a question.

“Idiot.” Mrs Kishimoto muttered fondly. “Sit down at the dinner table everyone, and I will start bringing out the food.”

“I’ll help, mother.” Yuriko and Kaoru volunteered whilst their husbands, kids and everyone else went to find their places at the table.

“Itachi, how long are you staying?” Misao said from beside him.

“For a week.” He replied. “How have you all been whilst I’ve been gone?”

“Pretty good. Old Chang-san is still running her teashop, Wu-san is still complaining about the government, and your grandfather’s dojo is getting pretty popular.”

Itachi nodded as he listened to what Misao said, and also observed the people around the table. It felt wonderful to be home. Sure, he liked his work, and he liked the people he worked with, but only when he was here could he truly relax. There were no dead bodies, no reports, no crime scene photos, nothing but his own family. This was his little safe haven, and he hoped it would always stay that way.

**I**

The next day dawned bright and without a cloud in the sky. People opened their shops, children hurried to school, and cars filled the streets almost to bursting. Itachi was not aware of this as he was still comfortably snuggled up in his blankets, and had no plan to leave them until dinner time. This was his first chance in God knew how long to sleep in, and he wouldn’t have many others once he returned to work, so he was going to make this count. Once he did get up he ate some cereal for breakfast, and headed out of the house. Today he was planning to simply walk around, and see what had been changed since he was last here. Along the way he was sure to meet a lot of people he knew, and those were certain to stop him for a chat, so he estimated that he would be lucky if he got back in time for dinner.

 _‘It’s good to be back!’_ Itachi thought happily as he greeted yet another person. “Good day to you, Mrs Chang!”

“Itachi! Wonderful to see you! How long are you staying?” the old woman smiled.

“A week.”

“Be sure to drop by whilst you’re here, alright?”

“Of course.” Itachi replied and waved to her as he went on his way. A little further down the street he was bowled over by a young boy, and he groaned from his position on the ground. He had hoped to avoid any bruises this week seeing as he somehow always managed to receive one or two whilst at work. “Watch where you’re going, brat.”

The kid in question started apologising in rapid Japanese. “-I’m sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going! Sorry!-”

Itachi sighed. Although he had learned Japanese due to the Kishimotos – and even a good deal of Chinese – he hadn’t spoken it in ages, but now he dragged it up from his memory. “-It’s alright. Just watch where you’re going next time, alright?-”

“-Hai!-” the kid nodded eagerly and accepted Itachi’s help to get up.

Although the kid’s hand was small, the grip was stronger than Itachi had expected, and he could feel calluses although he couldn’t see any once he released the other’s hand. “-Why were you running like a headless chicken, anyway?-”

“-I was trying to find the Kishimoto Dojo! We’re new in the area, and a neighbour said that there was a dojo nearby, but the directions weren’t the best.-”

“-Why are you searching for the dojo?-”

“-I want to join!-” the boy said eagerly. “-I’ve always wanted to, but there weren’t any close to us while we were living in Japan, and now that I have the chance to I want to see what it’s like!-”

Itachi blinked in surprise. Judging by the calluses on the boy’s palms, he’d say the boy had been doing some form of martial arts his entire life. “-Er, right. to get to the dojo you have to walk down this street, take the second street to the right, and it’s just around the block. You can’t miss it.-” The seventeen-year-old pointed as he explained.

“-Thank you, onii-san!-” the boy shouted, did a short bow, then ran off again.

Itachi stared after him for a moment. For a second he could’ve sworn he saw the kid flicker and a shadow of a grown up man appear in his place, but he disregarded it. _‘I must be hallucinating. Little sleep and stress will do that to a person. Either that, or Leigh’s been showing me too many of those damn sci-fi movies he always brings to work.’_

With a stretch and a last look in the direction the boy had taken, Itachi shook his head and continued on his way. He was fully determined to enjoy what was left of the day, and he’d be damned if he let some stupid hallucination get in the way of that.

For some strange reason Itachi couldn’t shake off the feeling that someone was watching him.

**I**

Hours later Itachi found himself returning home to the dojo. It was getting dark now, but there were still lots of people out on the street, and Itachi felt relaxed. Especially since he had been munching on differently-flavoured pocky all day long.

Humming a silly little tune, he opened the door and went inside. “I’m home!” he yelled, but just like yesterday there was no reply. Itachi sighed and grumbled. “Not again.”

He took off his shoes, then proceeded through the house. He left the box of pocky on the kitchen counter, and noted that the stove was still on and the dinner was getting burned. It was unlike Mrs Kishimoto to let the stove stay unattended, especially if something was cooking. Hastily turning it off, he looked around a little more cautious than before. He suddenly got a very bad feeling about this entire situation. The same kind of feeling he got when the Criminal Behaviour Analysis unit was working on a tough case, especially when the case had a short time limit. Without much thought he brought out his trusty pocket-knife– and cursed himself for leaving his gun locked away in his room – before he continued to search through the house.

There were a couple of broken things littering the hallway, one of those was a vase that Itachi had bought with his very first pay check and had given Mrs Kishimoto. Several pictures had been disturbed, and there were dents in the walls which signified that there had been a serious fight.

The clues led him towards the dark living room, and Itachi suddenly had a bad sense of déjà vu.

“Grandma? Grandpa? Come on, people, we had the surprise party yesterday. There’s no need to repeat that experience every day for the entire week. Hello?” it was probably very stupid of him to announce his presence like this, but he had already called out once before, and the perpetrator – or perpetrators if there was more than one – would most likely get suspicious if he hadn’t. This way he hoped to have a small chance at surprising the bad guys, and getting the upper hand.

 _‘Too bad that the phone’s in the living room.’_ Itachi thought to himself as he got closer, though he stuck to the wall as much as he could. _‘And why the hell did my mobile have to die on me just today? Next time I’m taking Parker’s advice to make sure the damn thing has enough power.’_

Just to be sure he called out once more before he reached the entrance to the living room. “Grandma, you left the oven on. And grandpa, if this is one of your stupid ideas, I swear I’ll-” he cut himself off with a surprised yelp as something tripped him up, causing him to fall to the floor. He had barely landed before several pairs of hands rolled him over, grabbed his pocket-knife, and tied his hands and legs securely with what seemed like very thin steel wire, though he wasn’t too sure about it. Either way, Itachi was bound and defenceless faster than one could say ‘pocky’, and he couldn’t do anything but blink the dots out of his eyes as the lights were suddenly turned on.

“What the hell?” the teenager muttered from his position on the floor.

There were five of the perpetrators in the room, three of these had been the ones to trip him and tie him up. All of them were wearing a weird black, short sleeved, long-necked uniform and almost shoulder-long, fingerless gloves in the same colour. Over this they wore white armour and wrist-guards, and each had a katana strapped to their backs, a pouch or two strapped to their belts, and a holder for something – probably a knife or two – strapped to their thighs. Not only that but every single one of them wore a white mask with red markings, and all of the masks represented different animals from what Itachi could figure out.

“Itachi! Itachi, are you alright?!” the voice of Mrs Kishimoto called, and brought the teens attention to the elderly couple. They were both tied up and sitting comfortably on the couch, though Mr Kishimoto was knocked out and had a lovely bruise forming on his forehead. Neither of the two were seriously hurt, and it calmed Itachi to see them both so unharmed.

“ _Itachi!_ ” Mrs Kishimoto called again, a slight note of panic entering her voice.

“Yes, I’m fine. Nothing to worry about, grandma.” Itachi told her, then he focused on the animal-masked people in the room. “What the hell is going on here?!”

“-So they named you Itachi, did they?-” a voice spoke up in Japanese, and a sixth man stepped forwards from the shadows. He was dressed differently than the animal-masked ones. His uniform was dark blue, and he had a green flak jacket on. There was a symbol on the shoulder of the uniform, a four-pointed star with some sort of white-and-red fan in the middle. The man also had approximately shoulder-long, dark brown hair, and a face which said that he frowned more than he smiled.

“-It’s a good, worthy name.-” The man added.

“-Who are you people? What do you want with us, and why the hell are you here?-” Itachi asked, staring the man straight into the eyes without fear. As an FBI agent he put his family in danger, but all agents were very careful about their personal information, so the only way people could get said information was if they hacked into the database. And that would be anything but easy seeing as the database was protected with all the latest systems and whatnot. _‘They have to be very good if they managed to hack into the database without getting caught. They’re definitely professionals.’_

The man stared down at Itachi for a minute, before he answered. “-The elderly couple are free to go as they please, it’s you we’re interested in, Itachi.-”

“-That still leaves the other two questions: who are you, and why are you here?-”

“-Patience, patience, boy, do not talk back to your elders. It’s disrespectful.-”

Itachi growled. “-Answer the questions!-”

“-I am Uchiha Fugaku,-” the man said. “-I am your biological father, and I am here to bring you back to where you belong, Uchiha Itachi.-”


	2. Chapter Two

**Flip Flop and Fly**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the obvious, the rest belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

 **Author’s Note:** I’m glad that people liked the first chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one as well!

 

Thanks to my good friend and beta, Paladin Steelbreaker.

 

# Chapter Two

 

“-I am Uchiha Fugaku,-” the man said. “-I am your biological father, and I am here to bring you back to where you belong, Uchiha Itachi.-”

Itachi stared, stared and continued to stare.

Five minutes later he was still staring.

After having stared some more, he finally blinked, opened his mouth to say something, realised that he had nothing to say, and closed it again. This process was then repeated several times.

For the first time in heaven knew how long, Itachi found himself at a loss for words and brain process. Apparently both skills had deemed this the perfect moment to take a long-overdue vacation, and had abandoned him to the tender mercies of the “Gaping Like A Fish Out Of Water” syndrome.

“… Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Everyone in the room blinked out of various reasons, and stared at Itachi – who was still lying on the floor, which was getting rather uncomfortable.

“-Excuse me?-” the man who had introduced himself as Uchiha Fugaku, said.

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Itachi repeated.

“-Yes, I got that, but what does it mean?-”

“-It doesn’t really mean anything.-”

Uchiha Fugaku’s eyes narrowed suspiciously at that. “-Then why do you say it?-”

“-Because I don’t know what else to say!-” Itachi growled, groaned and let his head fall to the floor with a thud. “-Damn it, what the hell do you expect me to say or do? Jump into your arms? Cry in joy? Frickin’ hell, man, you just popped out of bleedin’ nowhere, and expect me to believe some cock-and-bull story about you being my biological father without presenting any evidence?! Not to mention that you haven’t exactly given me a good first impression, you know?-” the teen pointedly nodded towards his grandmother and grandfather.

For some strange reason Itachi had the feeling that the animal-masked people stationed around the room, found the scene funny. He also had a clear indication that Uchiha Fugaku did not, and that pleased him for some reason.

The displeased man in question did his best to ignore everything, and instead pulled out a piece of paper from an inner pocket of his west. He then crouched down in front of Itachi, and presented it to the teen. “-Your birth certificate.-”

Itachi stared, and privately noted that he was doing a lot of that today. When he next spoke, his words were slow and even, said in a tone as if he was speaking to a three year old child. “-Do you honestly think that a simple birth certificate is enough to convince me the slightest that you are my biological father?-”

Apparently the man had thought just that, for now he started to frown in displeasure, although his eyes showed a bit of surprise. He was obviously not used to someone questioning him. “-What more could you want?-”

“-A DNA-test,-” Itachi said without blinking. “-And after that some huge amounts of explaining – that is, _if_ the test comes out positive.-” Here he had caught the other man in a trap. If Uchiha Fugaku refused to do this, then Itachi could be almost 99 percent sure that the man was lying through his teeth. On the other hand, if the test went through there would be a whole new set of troubles to deal with no matter the results of the test.

“-When the DNA-test comes back positive, and I explain everything you wish to know, you will then come with us to where you belong?-” The displeased man said, although it was more of an assumption than a question.

“-I never said that!-” Itachi protested. “-It ain’t that easy, matey!-”

A glare was sent his way, but the older man didn’t push the matter further at the time. “-We can conduct the DNA-test right now. One of my acquaintances here in this city can do it.-”

“-Like hell!-” the teen growled, his own eyes narrowing. “-It’ll be conducted by someone of my choosing. I’m not trusting you people with something like that! If there’s one thing you’ve managed to do it is to prove to me that you aren’t trustworthy at all. Honestly! You people really haven’t left me with a good first impression, what with breaking and entering my house, attacking my grandparents, and attacking me and tying me up. It’s getting mighty uncomfortable lying here like this, you know!-”

Uchiha Fugaku was truly getting agitated right now, a twitching muscle on his forehead testifying to his feelings. But he nodded to the two animal-masked people standing over Itachi, and the two quickly untied all the wires although they didn’t return the pocket knife. Itachi sat up and started rubbing his sore wrists and ankles, all the time muttering about insane bastards and adding similarly flattering adjectives.

Mr and Mrs Kishimoto noticeably stayed right where they were, their binds not removed, and several of the animal-masked people stepped closer to the elderly couple in a clear message: behave or they die. It certainly gave Itachi a lot of choices on what to do. Note the heavy sarcasm, please.

“-Well?-” Uchiha Fugaku raised an eyebrow pointedly.

Itachi sighed. “-It’s late, and I’m not sure that my friend in the CSI is still at work – or awake for that matter. However, if the guy has too much work to deal with, then the entire thing is off – not that I remember ever really agreeing to do this in the first place – and you and your charming friends skip away back to wherever it is that you came from. Family or not, I will call the police on you if you continue to bother me after this.-”

The older man clearly didn’t feel that this would be the case, but didn’t say anything. He simply watched as Itachi finally got to his feet, and then watched with hawk-like eyes as the teenager walked a bit unsteadily (one of his legs had fallen asleep during his captivity) towards the phone.

Itachi punched the number, and waited. It didn’t take long before someone picked up at the other side.

“Welcome to Cannibal Cove! Our motto is and always will be: you kill ‘em, we grill ‘em! We do raw, medium or well roasted, just tell us how you like it! How may I help you?”

“Cut the crap, Speedle.” Itachi said, his eyes never leaving the displeased face of Uchiha Fugaku as he spoke. “I’m currently really not in the mood to exchange insanities with the local mad scientist.”

There was a silence on the other end. “You really are in deep shit if you don’t want to do that. Alright, what is it?”

“I need you to perform a DNA-test for me.”

“Sure,” came the reply. “It’s been quiet here lately, thank god for that. Official test or not?”

“It’s of a personal nature.”

“Aaaah, I get it,” Speedle’s voice was understanding.

Itachi blinked. “You do?”

“Of course I do, and remember, man, that no matter what happens I am your friend – as long as the connection between us doesn’t reach the media’s ears, because then my career would be shot to hell.”

“… Are you sure that you understand the situation?” the teen asked somewhat hesitantly.

Speedle snorted on the other side of the line. “Of course I do! It takes no great Sherlock Holmes to figure out that your girlfriend got pregnant, and now you want to verify if it’s your child or if she’s been cheating on you. Come to think of it, I never knew you had a girlfriend! How could you keep something like that from me, Itachi? I thought we were friends! I thought you were asexual seeing as your love-life was nonexistent! So, who is the girl? Is it that Misao-chick you showed me a picture of?”

Itachi stared at the phone as the other man continued ranting. The staring was seemingly becoming a habit lately. “You know, this is a perfectly sound reason why you will never advance through the CSI-ranks, Speedle. You jump to conclusions far too fast.”

“I think I’ve been told that a couple of times already.” Speedle replied, a grin in his voice. “So, if it isn’t to check if you’re the father of a child, then what is this about?”

The teen sighed, his eyes once again focusing on Uchiha Fugaku. “I have a man here who’s insisting that he’s my biological father.” He said simply.

There was a yelp, a crash and then a long silence from the other end of the phone. It took some time before Speedle replied. “Out of all things it could’ve been, I wasn’t expecting that one.”

All Itachi could think of was: _‘I need a new set of friends. Preferably sane ones this time around.’_

## II

Whilst waiting for the results of the DNA-tests the Kishimoto dojo found itself besieged by Uchiha Fugaku and his animal-masked friends who still hadn’t introduced themselves. Itachi and his grandparents were kept under strict surveillance, and nothing happened which the weird animal-masked people didn’t know about.

Itachi had used this time in more or less confinement to observe the people that held his family hostage, and especially his allegedly biological father, and he quickly noticed several things. One was that the animal-masked people used some sort of sign-language to communicate with each other, never once did one of them speak out loud – at least not in the vicinity of Itachi and his family. The second thing he noticed was that these people moved like warriors. It had been a clear indication that they were well-trained when they had managed to get into the dojo and overpower Mr Kishimoto and then Itachi himself without trouble, and the way they moved further emphasized that. And they were both insanely fast and strong, though they didn’t look it. This in turn made the people very dangerous, probably with in-depth training as ninja, as Mr Kishimoto had remarked once he had regained consciousness and the situation had been explained to him. Thusly Itachi was careful not to annoy them. Too much.

The weird ninja-wannabes made observations of their own, and Itachi had more or less guessed what those were. They saw Mr and Mrs Kishimoto as an elderly couple, and as absolutely no threat to themselves and their mission. They saw Misao as an annoying girl who just wouldn’t give up, even when Itachi told her not to come visiting them anymore. They saw the dojo as something unimportant, and had forbidden any classes to be held until everything was dealt with. And most of all, they saw Itachi himself as a rather eccentric, clumsy and weird individual, and Itachi intended to keep it that way. It was better to let the people underestimate him, thusly giving him a slight chance of escape if needed.

The point to all of this was to say that the three usual residents of the Kishimoto dojo weren’t happy campers. At all.

When the DNA-test results finally arrived, Itachi found himself staring once again.

After having stared for another while, he quickly got on the phone and called Speedle. “What the hell is the meaning of this, Speedle?!” he roared into the phone as soon as the other picked up.

“What’s the meaning of what?”

“The test results! You must’ve done a mistake or something, because this can’t be true!”

Speedle was affronted by that. “Itachi, I may be the local mad scientists, I may be a fool, and I might not be highest on the CSI-food chain, but please do not doubt my work ever again.” He said seriously.

Itachi sighed. “I’m sorry, Speedle, it’s just that… are you absolutely certain that you didn’t do anything wrong?”

“Yes.”

“No DNA-contamination or anything?”

“No contamination at all.”

“Completely, utterly, pain of death sure that you didn’t make a mistake?”

“Now you’re acting like an idiot, Itachi, and it doesn’t suit you.” Speedle said. “There is nothing wrong with my work, thank you very much. Accept the facts as they are, and move on.”

“… thanks for everything, Speedle.” Itachi finally said.

The older man laughed on his side. “No problem, Itachi. Good luck with this family-mess of yours, and remember to cross the bridges when you get to them, to take one step at the time, and to do first things first… though not necessarily in that order.”

The teen chuckled. “ _Goodbye_ Speedle.”

“Goodbye sweet prince!” Speedle declared, suddenly going all poetic. “Parting is such a sweet sparrow- no, wait, that was wrong. Narrow? Arrow? Sponging? Parting is such a sweet sponging? That doesn’t make any sense! Whoever wrote that shout be shot, I tell you, _shot_!”

“I’ll be sure to tell Shakespeare that when I see him.” Itachi remarked. “I’ll see you later.”

“Of course you will! Either way, this is Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise signing off!” and with that the line went dead.

Itachi shook his head as he replaced the receiver, then he looked at the piece of paper still clutched in his hand. It was the DNA-test results, and it was positive.

Itachi Kishimoto was the son of Uchiha Fugaku.

Oh bugger.

With yet another sigh Itachi stalked to the kitchen where most of the current occupants of the house were situated, ready to eat the dinner that Mrs Kishimoto had prepared. Once he entered the room, he slapped the test results in front of Uchiha Fugaku, and narrowed his eyes dangerously.

“-Start talking.-”

A look of triumph passed over Fugaku’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. Instead the man simply said, “-What do you wish to know?-”

Sitting down in the chair directly opposite the usually-frowning man, Itachi stared him straight into the eyes. “-We’ll start at the beginning. Why did you give me up in the first place, and why do you suddenly want me back again years later?-”

“-We didn’t give you up.-” Came the reply. “-There were some serious disputes at that time, and an almost-successful assassination attempt on you was made. Therefore we agreed that it would be best if we sent you off to a couple of friends of ours until everything calmed down. However, when we went to collect you again, we found everyone murdered and you were gone. We’ve been searching for you off and on since that time.-”

 _‘What are these people, the Japanese mafia or something?’_ Itachi wondered. “-Then how did you find me here?-”

“-A friend of the family who travels a lot accidentally bumped into you a year ago, and did some research. Since then we’ve been keeping an eye at you in an attempt to figure out what had happened to you, and what kind of life you lead and so on.-”

_‘He’s careful not to mention any names.’_

“-Your mother and little brother are awaiting your arrival, as is the rest of the clan and the village.-” Fugaku added.

Itachi’s eyes stayed narrow and suspicious. “-And you waited for an entire year before you made any sort of contact? Somehow I don’t quite believe that. Seventeen years is a long time, and most people would’ve given me up for dead long before now.-”

The older man frowned again. “-The Uchiha Clan aren’t ‘most people’. We had no evidence to prove one thing or the other. And yes, we could have contacted you earlier, but we weren’t sure exactly how you would react, therefore we chose not to.-”

“-Well, you people left a wonderful first impression on me, that’s for certain!-” Itachi snorted. “-Alright, what are the options now? Quite frankly, I would’ve loved to simply boot you out of this house and my life, but I don’t think you’d be willing to go along with that, therefore we need to reach a compromise.-”

“-As I said, the clan and the rest of the village are eagerly awaiting your arrival ever since it got out that you were discovered.-” Uchiha Fugaku started. “-Therefore I… _suggest_ that you come along and visit them.-” The man certainly didn’t mask his request as a suggestion, but rather as an order.

 _‘What am I, an object?’_ the teen couldn’t help but think to himself. He sent a quick look towards his grandparents. They had mostly stayed quiet throughout the entire time Uchiha Fugaku and his animal-masked friends had been there, only offering a piece of advice if Itachi directly asked for it.

“Don’t worry about us.” Mr Kishimoto spoke up. “Do whatever you want, Itachi, as long as you are sure that you can get out of the hole you’re digging for yourself.”

“As long as it makes you happy, dear, then I have nothing against it.” Mrs Kishimoto added. “And these people haven’t really treated us bad, you know. Perhaps it would be nice to meet your biological family first before you judge them all based on one individual’s actions.”

Itachi turned back to Fugaku. “-I have work to think of, and I’m not sure exactly how long I can get off. I reserve the right to leave at any time I choose, without you going hopping mad about it all. Do we have an accord?-”

“-We do.-” The older man grabbed the proffered hand, and shook it. “-We leave as soon as you are ready.-”

Nodding, Itachi got up from the table and walked up to his room to pack what would be necessary.

One thing was certain at least: this would be an adventure to remember.

## II

“I can give you two months off at the most,” Parker’s voice sounded through the phone. “The higher-ups have been worried about how you’re handling the job what with being as young as you are, so it will be no real problem. However, we must be able to reach you at any time if we need you back here, so keep your phone charged and with you all the time, alright?”

“Of course,” Itachi nodded to himself. “I hope I’m not causing too much trouble for the team-”

“Nonsense! Finding your biological family is quite a thing, the others will understand.” There was a short silence, before Parker spoke up again. “Are you sure about this, Itachi? From the way you described everything, this Mr Fugaku Uchiha sounds like one of those die-hard tradition-and-clan-above-all-else people.”

“Yes, I’m sure about this.” The teen replied, a rather awkward and fake chuckle slipping from him. He had, of course, omitted certain things when explaining the situation to Parker. _‘You don’t know half of it, Parker!’_

Parker sighed. “As you wish then. How do you intend to proceed?”

He hummed thoughtfully. “It seems that they have me pegged as an awkward, clumsy, silly, and somewhat-rebelling teenager, and I think I’ll go with that image for now.”

“I understand, and I’ll look up this Fugaku Uchiha, the Uchiha Clan, and anything about animal-shaped masks in our records when I have the time. I’ll get the rest of the team to help me, and when we come up with something we’ll either call, or send a message, or something.” Parker said. ”Alright, if there is nothing else you want to tell me, then I wish you good luck with all of this. And as your superior and boss I order you to call me at least once a week, but preferably more often. I need to know how my protégé is dealing with this stressing situation.”

“Of course I’ll call. Thanks for everything, Parker.”

“No problem, just take care of yourself. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, sir.” Itachi put down the phone andsighed. This entire situation was turning out to be more troublesome than expected, and it better be worth it all in the end.

 _‘I better get my bag, otherwise Uchiha Fugaku will be even more displeased than usual – not that I think that that’s even possible.’_ The teen thought to himself and headed towards the stairs. Or, better said, he would’ve headed towards the stairs if he hadn’t suddenly – and quite unexpectedly – come face to displeased face with none other than Uchiha Fugaku himself.

The man’s sudden and silent appearance was something of a shock, and poor Itachi yelped and jumped away…

… only to end up stumbling over Mr Kishimoto’s favourite footstool, and thusly having an up close and personal (and painful, lets not deny it) meeting with the floor for the second time that week.

“-What the hell do you think you were doing?! Are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack?!-” Itachi demanded, his hand clutched over his heart.

“-Hn.-” Fugaku replied. “-Are you ready?-”

The teenager took another moment to slow his speeding heart, then answered. “-Yes, I’m ready, and everything’s in order.-” He then proceeded to pick himself off the floor whilst explaining Parker’s rules to the older man.

Fugaku – surprise, surprise! – frowned. “-Well, I suppose it can’t be helped. Go get your stuff, boy, we’re ready to go.-”

“-Hai, hai!-” Itachi hurried upstairs to his room, strapped on his gun-holster, slung the duffle bag containing his clothes onto his shoulder, picked up his guitar-bag – with a _real_ guitar inside! Bet you weren’t expecting that! – and hurried back down.

Mr and Mrs Kishimoto were waiting for him by the entrance, as were Fugaku and his men.

“Be a good boy now, Itachi, and give them a chance before you judge.” Mrs Kishimoto said as she hugged him. “And don’t worry about us, we’ll manage.”

“What she said.” Mr Kishimoto said when it was his turn. “And if you manage to get those people to throw you out and disown you before this two-month period is over, then I’ll recognise you as my heir and will hand over the dojo to you.”

Itachi’s eyebrow twitched. “No thank you, grandpa!”

“Are you sure? I don’t think it’d be that hard to manage such a feat, and- _OW_!!! Why did you hit me, woman?!”

“Because you were being an idiot,” Mrs Kishimoto replied, then turned back to Itachi. “Off you go now, dear, and remember to call.”

The teen nodded. “Of course. I’ll see you in approximately two months, if not sooner.”

After a few more goodbyes had been exchanged, Itachi found himself walking down the dark street in the company of these weird people. There were people out tonight, the weather was good, and laughter could be heard. There was music coming from a window they passed, and lovers went hand in hand down the street, their happy daze not breaking for anything. All in all, the people of Chinatown were happy this evening.

All of them, except Itachi.

_‘What the hell have I managed to get myself into?’_

…

_‘I wonder if they have pocky in this Konoha place.’_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on a normal “…” indicates Japanese being spoken, and a “-…-” indicates that English is being spoken – except in the flashback, but that’s quite obvious I think. Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to my good friend and beta, Paladin Steelbreaker.

_Itachi had been with the FBI for a measly three months, when one of the other members of his team unexpectedly approached him. Unexpectedly because up until now all of them had been rather awed and careful around the genius teen._

_“Yo, Itachi, wanna join me for lunch?” Rodriguez asked the youngest – and newest – member of the team._

_The teenager in question looked up at the older man, and stared at him for a while. “I’m sorry, but I don’t swing that way. I’ve nothing against homosexuals, but personally I prefer the fairer sex. No offence, Rodriguez.”_

_Garcia, Henson, Collins and Leigh – who were all sitting at their desks and within earshot – snickered at the comment that had been delivered without blinking. Other people that were passing through also did a variation of the same, and Itachi himself smirked._

_Rodriguez’ eye twitched. “Firstly: I’m happily married, and secondly: I’m not a paedophile!” the man protested. “Are you going, or do you need Garcia to baby-sit you?”_

_Itachi narrowed his eyes at the reminders of his age. “Alright, where are we going?” he asked as he stood up from his desk and picked up his jacket from the back of his chair._

_“The diner right down the street, ‘Murphy’s Law’ I think it’s called.” Rodriguez replied as the two of them headed towards the elevators. “A wonderful name, ain’t it?”_

_“Quite.” The teen deadpanned, his voice dryer than the Sahara desert._

_“Oi, loverboys!_ _Bring me back a large cappuccino!” Garcia called right before the doors of the elevator closed._

_It didn’t take long for the two FBI agents to get to said diner, and they had soon ordered their desired food. The waitress – who was dressed as a MiB-agent, her nametag proclaiming her to be Agent Q – arrived with their food soon enough, and the two men dug in._

_“So, Itachi, what’s wrong?” Rodriguez went straight for the heart of the matter he wanted to discuss._

_Itachi blinked. “Wrong?” he parroted, a piece of chocolate cake halfway to his mouth._

_“Don’t play me for a fool,” the older man growled, using his own fork to emphasize his point. “You know very well what I’m talking about. You’ve become seriously disorganised lately, your work isn’t up to your usual standard, and the bags under your eyes could be taken for black holes in my opinion. Quite frankly, Itachi, you look like shit. So spill it, what’s wrong?”_

_The younger man was silent for a moment, before he sighed and his shoulders slumped. “It’s the nightmares.” He said finally. “These past three months have been stressful, and we’ve had case upon case, and I’m tired.”_

_Rodriguez nodded, a serious and understanding look in his eyes._ _“I understand._ _We’ve all gone through the same stage, and occasionally we go through it again, it’s no new phenomenon. We’re dealing with some of the sickest criminal minds out there, so it’s no small wonder that we get nightmares or go slightly insane ourselves.”_

_“How do you deal with it?” Itachi asked, his gaze focused on the piece of cake that he was now meticulously cutting up into ant-sized pieces._

_“I know that Garcia takes a yoga class, Leigh watches his Star Trek-tapes, Parker retreats to his cabin when things get too much. All of us deal with it in our own way. I’m lucky enough to manage to have a family outside of work, and my wife is the best remedy for me. The point of this is that I can’t give you a textbook answer on how to deal with it all, that’s something you have to figure out on your own,” he sighed. “I’m willing to listen if you ever need to get some things off your chest – and that goes for the rest of the team as well; we all look out for each other. I’m sorry I can’t help you out any more than that, but sometimes all one needs to do is talk about it.”_

_The black-haired teenager managed a small smile. “Thanks, Rodriguez.”_

_“Anytime, kiddo.” Came the reply. They spent another twenty minutes in a comfortable silence, but then it was broken by the ringing of Rodriguez’ mobile phone. “Rodriguez here. Yes sir. We’re at the diner a block away… alright, we’ll be there. See you soon, Parker.”_

_Itachi raised an eyebrow. “Since that was Parker I assume we have a new case?”  
_

_“Of course. Lets get going.” The older man lead the way until they reached the FBI building. Right before they entered, Rodriguez stopped the teen. “And remember what I said, Itachi. If you ever need to talk…”_

_The teen nodded, and together they entered the building._

# III

Itachi followed Uchiha Fugaku and his companions through the streets of the city for quite a while. At one point he had asked if they were going to take the plane to Japan, but Fugaku had sent him such a disgusted look that Itachi had found it better not to ask again. Therefore he had followed the others around, feeling somewhat like an idiot, and he didn’t even question it when they entered a small, dingy, shabby shop which sold oriental things; the teen was simply glad for the opportunity to sit down.

He hadn’t been sitting for long, when one of the animal-masked people had mentioned for him to go into the backroom of the shop. On the floor of the room two scrolls with various signs and whatnots had been rolled out in an X-shape, and Itachi had been ordered to stand in the middle. Itachi had obeyed, a perplexed look on his face. He had thought that this might be some sort of ritual cleansing or something, but what he hadn’t expected was to suddenly be surrounded by thick smoke that seemingly came from nowhere. Then he felt like he was on a wild roller coaster for a moment, before another poof of smoke signalled the end of said feeling. A gloved hand had reached into the smoke and pulled him out, and Itachi found himself gaping.

He was standing in the middle of a cave.

A cave that was much bigger than the little shabby shop he had previously been in.

A cave that was very high up on a mountain and that offered a wonderful view of a seemingly never-ending forested area once you looked out.

_‘Holy shit man! Holy frickin’ shit.’_ The teen thought, rubbed his eyes, and then continued staring. He turned to Uchiha Fugaku who had appeared in another poof of smoke – and was standing on another X made out of two unrolled scrolls – and managed a squeak.

Uchiha Fugaku smirked in triumph. “Welcome to the Hidden Shinobi Countries.”

“How…?”

“Do not ask for I will not answer.” The again-frowning man replied. “You do not have the required rank to know about an S-class secret such as this. You already know too much as it is. Though, you have to admit that this surely beats travelling by one of those airplanes. Follow me.” With that the man started moving out of the cave, and the animal-masked people (who had appeared in puffs of smoke during the conversation) followed him, forcing the teen to follow _them_.

Itachi simply stood there and stared at the retreating back of his biological father for a moment before he hurried after the group. _‘Did that guy just make a joke?’_

# III

When he was still trying to ignore his own intellect and was desperately trying to fit in with normal children, Itachi had begged to go to one of those summer camping-group thingies for children, and the Kishimotos had sent him off. Everything had gone more or less alright until the yellow bus that was supposed to take the children to the resort had started driving. The seven-year-old Itachi had been sitting at the far front along with the grownups, and had been holding an intellectual conversation with a rather surprised camp-leader, when some kid at the back had started singing one of those corny songs, at which point the rest of the children joined in. Itachi had thusly been treated to rendition after horribly annoying rendition of camping-songs, and he counted that experience to be the most terrifying and mentally scarring of his entire life, and had swore never ever to be normal again.

And here he was, ten years later, playing his guitar and singing the same corny songs and annoying the crap out of Uchiha Fugaku and company.

“65 bottles of beer on the wall, 65 bottles of beer! If one of the bottles should happen to fall, 64 bottles of beer on the wall! 64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer! If one of the bottles should happen to fall, 63 bottles of beer on the wall! 63 bottles of beer-”

At this point Uchiha Fugaku turned faster than should be humanly possible, and glared. “Will you stop singing that infernal song!?!” he demanded.

Itachi blinked. “Oh, you don’t like it? It’s alright, I’ll sing another one then.”

“Wha-?”

“She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain, here she comes! She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain, here she comes! She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain, she’ll be coming ‘round the mountain! She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain, here she comes!”

A tick developed on Fugaku’s forehead.

# III

It was late afternoon and they had decided to make camp for the night. The animal-masked people quickly found the perfect spot and easily set up camp which consisted of a couple of small bonfires and only one tent. The tent was for Itachi to use. Said people also proved to be very good hunters, and soon there were two rabbits roasting over one of the bonfires, and four fishes over the other.

Itachi was happily munching on a rabbit-leg – medium to well-roasted – when Uchiha Fugaku found it prudent to interfere.

“Lets see what you have learned from that adoptive grandfather of yours.” That was the only thing Fugaku said before he attacked the poor teen, kunai and shuriken drawn.

Now, being a genius and well-trained FBI agent, Itachi did what every sane man would do when some lunatic with possibly lethal weapons attacked them. He screamed like a girl and ran in the opposite direction, zigzagging between the trees to avoid the weapons thrown after him. If Misao had been there she would have insisted that he was doing his Jack Sparrow-impersonation again. Either way, he ended up hiding behind one of the animal-masked people – all who seemed thoroughly amused.

Fugaku, on the other hand, was far from amused. “Stop making a scene!” he hissed.

“It’s your fault I’m making a scene in the first place!” Itachi protested as he peeked out form behind the man he was using as a humanoid shield.

“Excuse me?”

“If you hadn’t suddenly gone all crazy on me and hadn’t attacked me with sharp implements of possible doom, then I wouldn’t have had the need to run away and hide, thusly we would have avoided making a scene. Ergo, it’s your fault.” The teen slowly came out from his hiding place and sketched a quick bow in thanks to his amused human shield, then turned back to his newly-discovered biological father. “Why the hell did you attack me anyway?”

“To test your skills in taijutsu.” Came the stoic reply, though Fugaku was frowning a lot more than usual.

“What skills?”

There was a short pause.

“You mean to tell me that you do not know taijutsu?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“But the man who raised you was an expert!”

Itachi snorted. “That doesn’t mean anything! Just because the guy who raised me was a martial arts specialist doesn’t mean that I’m one. Or that I know any martial arts at all.”

Uchiha Fugaku looked ready to murder someone.

# III

Over the past couple of days the animal-masked people had seemingly started to warm up to Itachi, and it wasn’t too much of a shock anymore when one of them suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started walking beside the teenager. The conversations held were very interesting – small tips on how to survive out in the wild and such – but never had Itachi managed to trick them into spilling some information that he already didn’t know.

It was a few days later that one of the animal-masked people – the term for which, Itachi had finally found out, was ANBU – pointed up ahead, and said to the teenager, “Those are the western gates of Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaf. We have made surprisingly good time.”

_‘Is that a compliment?’_ Itachi wondered absentmindedly to himself whilst observing the scenery in front of him. Even from this distance the gates looked sturdy. They were very tall, and the wall to which they were connected – and which probably ran all around this Konohagakure – looked even thicker. There was a sign over the gates proclaiming them to be the western gates of the village, and there were several people posted at even intervals at the gates and on top of the tall walls.

_‘It’s a freaking fortress.’_ The black-haired teenager observed to himself. _‘This only confirms the fact that these people come from an organised, military-like institution – which seems to be the village itself. Not to mention the transport method they used to get us to that cave, and since then I haven’t seen a single car, bike, motorbike, etc. Well, I suppose I’ll get my answers sooner or later – preferably sooner, though.’_

Once they reached the gates, one of the guards – who was more or less dressed in the same uniform as Fugaku, except he was missing the weird shuriken-emblem on the shoulders – called for them to identify themselves with names and registration numbers. This was obviously only a precautionary action, since the guards seemed to know exactly who Fugaku was.

“Uchiha Fugaku, ID number: 004086.” Fugaku said in a quiet voice. “The mission was a success.”

The spiky-haired guy with some sort of bandage across his cheeks and nose, blinked in surprise. “So you found him? You found Uchiha Itachi?”

“We did.”

The two guards looked around, and finally spotted the teen that had been observing them and the conversation. Itachi gave a smile and waved slightly to the guards, both of which seemed surprised and shared a look betwixt themselves. Then they shrugged, and smiled back.

“Welcome to Konohagakure, Uchiha Itachi-san.” One of the guards said, and nodded politely. “We hope that you will enjoy your stay here.”

“Actually, it’s Kishimoto Itachi.” The teen corrected him. “And thank you, I hope so as well.”

“You will have to excuse us,” Uchiha Fugaku said. “We have to see Sandaime Hokage-sama.”

“Of course,” the bandaged one mentioned with his arm. “Go right ahead, you are cleared. Izumo will write you down in the log.”

Apparently rumours spread insanely fast in Konoha, and people stared at them as they passed. The spectators whispered and pointed, and weren’t at all discrete about it. Thusly it wasn’t a great surprise that Itachi was reminded of a group of story-hungry journalists. Luckily he knew how to deal with the situation due to a very useful, though short course from the police academy.

_‘Keep still, don’t make any sudden movements, and hope to hell they don’t notice you.’_ The teen thought to himself, repeating the sentence like a mantra until something else suddenly caught his attention. He let loose a happy shout, and was off down the street before Uchiha Fugaku and Co. could react. By the time said group of people caught up with him, Itachi was already exiting the shop he had seen, a box of rapidly-disappearing pocky in one hand, and a bag full to the brink with the same snack was hanging from his arm.

“Exactly what was that about?” Fugaku demanded angrily whilst trying to keep his voice down and not make a scene.

“Pocky!” Itachi replied with a sunny smile and held up the snack in question. “Why didn’t you tell me that you had pocky here? Shame on you!” he munched down another stick. “Yum! I’m liking this place already!”

The ANBU standing around them snickered quietly, but Uchiha Fugaku looked anything but pleased. “Lets just head to the Hokage Tower.” The man growled angrily.

The Hokage Tower was a large building approximately in the middle of the village. It was oval-shaped and had several storeys, and four crescent-shaped spikes at the very top made up a sort of skeleton of a dome. People were arriving and departing all over the place, and Itachi blinked twice when he noticed that some of those people were jumping in and out of windows that were on the second floor and up, or from rooftop to rooftop to ground level and back up again. And no one seemed to even care about the fact that they could get seriously hurt or killed!

_‘These people must be professional stuntmen and women!’_ the teenager concluded. _‘Or there is some serious mumbo jumbo magic-thingy going on around here.’_

Fugaku led them through the different levels of the building, occasionally nodding to someone, but generally giving off the air of obnoxiousness. People stared here as well, though not as openly as the people on the streets had done, and most of them only gave them a short inspection before they hurried off to wherever they were heading to in the first place.

Either way soon the group had reached the top level, and were standing outside the doors leading to the Hokage’s office. There were two ANBU guards placed outside the doors, and a secretary sat off to the side. Uchiha Fugaku headed straight for the secretary, held a short conversation with the man, before he led Itachi through the doors leading into the office of the Hokage. Itachi took a moment to turn and give a short bow and wave to the ANBU that had accompanied them this far, then he hurried in after his biological father.

“Fugaku-san, it is good to see that you have returned,” the Hokage, who was an elderly man, said and stood up from his desk. He then turned his attention on Itachi. “And this must be Uchiha Itachi. Welcome to Konoha, Itachi-san. My name is Sarutobi, I am the Sandaime Hokage.”

Itachi shook the offered hand. “Nice to meet you, sir, and for now I prefer _Kishimoto_ Itachi.”

“Of course, my apologies. Please sit down the both of you.”

“You will have to excuse me, Hokage-sama.” Fugaku spoke up. “I wish to personally alert my clan about _Uchiha_ Itachi’s long-anticipated return.” The man emphasized on the word with a pointed look to the teenager in question, but Itachi played oblivious.

The Hokage, on the other hand, nodded. “Of course. I will not stop you. Go alert your family, and Itachi-san and myself will have a small talk in the meantime. There are some rules and such that he needs to be aware of, and I shall use this as an excuse to escape the paperwork.”

Uchiha Fugaku bowed shortly to the Hokage, then turned to the teen. “Behave yourself, Itachi,” he ordered before he disappeared through the doors.

_‘Trust, thy name is Fugaku,’_ the teen couldn’t help the sarcastic thought. However, he turned back to the leader of Konoha and sat down in one of the chairs in front of the desk. He focused on said leader. “You do know that you are ruling over a village full of people hell bent on suicide by jumping off rooftops and through second storey windows, right?”

The old man burst into laughter, his kind and wise eyes twinkling merrily. “You truly are something else, Itachi-san. Certainly nothing like one expects an Uchiha to be, and perhaps that is for the best.”

“It is?” the teen parroted.

“In my personal opinion, yes,” Sarutobi continued smiling. “Well, lets move on. Reports say that you work as an… an eff-bee-ai agent?”

“The Federal Bureau of Investigation, the FBI.” Itachi corrected. “I’m with the Criminal Behaviour Analysis Unit, in other words: I’m a profiler. Our job is to analyse the crime scene and provide the local authorities with a profile of the suspect. Luckily it’s a desk-job more than anything else. I would never have survived being a field agent, haven’t got the skills for it.”

“The human mind is truly a fascinating object of study.” The old man agreed with a nod. “As a shinobi the skill to read other people could literally mean the difference between life and death.”

The teenager blinked in surprise. “That’s a joke, right?”

“No, I’m afraid that I am not joking, Itachi-san.”

“Then this is all cosplay?”

“It isn’t.”

“So you mean to tell me that you people actually train as shinobi, and take on missions and stuff?”

“Yes, that is pretty much it,” the Hokage said, a small amused smile playing on his lips.

Itachi stared. “Please tell me that this is Candid Camera or something. I really don’t want to have it confirmed that I’ve landed right in the middle of a place that actually breeds and trains serial killers.”

The old man shook his head. “I am sorry to disappoint you, Itachi-san, but although your chosen terminology isn’t spot-on, that is quite the accurate description of a Hidden Village.”

The teen twitched. “You mean there’s more than one Hidden Village?”

“Yes.”

“This is seriously messed up.”

“It all depends on whom you ask, Itachi-san.” Sarutobi said. “For you, who has been raised in the Second World – raised so differently – it might be difficult to accept this. But please give it all a chance before you judge, and at least try to understand our situation.”

Itachi sighed. “I’ve always thought that I had a pretty open mind to things. But the trouble with an open mind – I’ve found – is that people will insist on coming along, and putting things in it.”

“Very valid point, but I still stand by my request.”

There was a long silence between the two men, the younger staring the older straight in the eyes, a silent conversation going on between them. Then suddenly it was all over, and both of them smiled to each other, tension and everything forgot as if it hadn’t happened. They had clearly reached some sort of silent agreement, and agreement that would stay between the two of them until time came to reveal it to the rest of the world.

Itachi picked up a new box of pocky, and offered it to the Hokage. “Want some? I’m hooked on ‘em, and I’m also very happy that I found some here in the Leaf Hidden in the Village.”

“The Village Hidden in the Leaf.” The Hokage corrected absentmindedly. “Ah, strawberry-flavoured! My favourite.”

“Good, because I’m partial to chocolate-flavour myself, and if you had asked for it I would’ve been forced to lie and tell you that I don’t have any – despite any facts saying otherwise.” The teen replied as he munched on a said-flavoured pocky stick.

“Your chocolate-pocky is your own,” the old man said seriously, and then promptly started to munch on his own pocky.

This was the scene that the secretary walked in on when he came to report that Uchiha Fugaku and family had arrived.

“Ah, send them in, Yoshihiro-san.” The Hokage said between bites. “It is high time that the Uchiha family were finally reunited with their missing member.”

“Yes sir.” The man replied, bowed and hurried out of the office. A moment later he returned with Uchiha Fugaku in tow. Behind Fugaku came a beautiful woman dressed in normal clothes, looking like she just came from the kitchen. Following her came a young man perhaps three or four years older than Itachi. Said young man was dressed in a blue t-shirt with an enormous collar, which made it look like he was wearing one of the large bowl-shaped dog-collars the vets used. The last person in the group was a boy of about twelve years of age. To Itachi the young boy looked like he tried to be as small and inconspicuous as possible, with black bangs framing his face, his posture hunched and his black eyes darting to an fro shyly, insecurely. Another thing was that the boy looked almost exactly like Itachi had done when the seventeen-year-old had been that age.

_‘And I shall call him Mini-Me.’_ Itachi couldn’t help but think, then he focused back on the other people in the room and stood up from his chair. “Hello.”

Uchiha Fugaku started the introductions. “This is Uchiha Mikoto, your mother.” He said simply and without further ado.

The young woman stepped forwards. Her hands rose up to touch Itachi’s face, hesitated, then simply settled gently on the teen’s shoulders. “You… you are so grown up,” she whispered in a somewhat awed tone, tears making her eyes glitter. “I remember when you were a newborn in my arms, and yet here you are, all grown up, and I missed it all.”

“Mikoto,” Fugaku’s warning-laden voice cut in. “Do not make a scene.”

Uchiha Mikoto nodded hastily, and put herself together again. “Of course, I’m sorry. It’s good to see you so well, Itachi-kun – might I call you that?”

“Sure.” Itachi nodded almost absentmindedly. His mind was busy processing all the information he had gotten from observing the way she had acted, and he quickly reached a conclusion that only confirmed his earlier theories. _‘The Uchihas are a very traditional family. As the head of the clan Fugaku is used to being obeyed no matter what, a very dominating and difficult to please individual. Mikoto-san is the perfect housewife, despite the fact that she was – most likely – a shinobi herself before she married Fugaku. Very few civilians would have the skills necessary to control themselves so quickly, or to such a degree.’_

Fugaku continued the introductions, a note of pride entering his voice. “This is the son of one of my cousins, and when his parents displayed weakness and got themselves killed on a mission, I took him in and raised him as my own. That turned out to be a very good decision. He is a genius in every sense of the word, and he has brought much honour to the clan. Itachi, meet-”

The young man a couple of years older than Itachi, stepped forwards and cut Fugaku off. “Uchiha Shisui.” He said and shook Itachi’s hand. “Nice to meet you, cousin.”

“It is nice to meet you as well, Shisui-san,” the teen replied, though his mind was yet again analysing the situation. _‘Fugaku gave quite the introduction, didn’t even bat an eyelash when he was interrupted, which means that Shisui is really high on the Uchiha food-chain. And Shisui seems to enjoy his position well enough, I pity the poor sod who challenges said position. Does he hope to take over as the heir to the title of Clan Head? Does he consider myself a threat, then? Hmm, by the feel of the calloused hands, the strength in the handshake, the muscles in the exposed areas of the arms and the legs, the few scars in sight and his control over his emotions, then Shisui must be one heck of a ninja – probably high on the food-chain in that aspect as well, and Fugaku is very proud of him. This need to prove himself to the head of the clan probably means that Shisui has worked very hard, most likely too hard. There is a certain something about him I can’t quite put a name to, but I’m ready to bet my soul that Uchiha Shisui is ready to cave in under the pressure put on him by the entire clan. Poor fool.’_

“And this is my youngest son and your brother, Uchiha Sasuke,” the frown was back on Fugaku’s face. “What are you waiting for, Sasuke? Greet your older brother.” It was clear that the man thought his youngest son to be a total disgrace to the family.

The young boy stepped hesitantly forwards, and seemed to shrink even further into himself even further when he felt his father’s displeased glare on his back. “It’s… it’s n-nice to meet you, Itachi-nii… -sam-sama. I- I’m Uchiha Sas-Sasuke.”

_‘Overshadowed by his genius cousin Shisui so much that everyone – except, perhaps, the mother – has seemed to forget his existence. Forgotten it unless they compare him to said cousin, that is. This has led to insecurity, shyness, a need to stay out of the spotlight to keep from being compared to someone so much better. He’s probably hiding his real skills, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he was one of the worst pupils academically in his class. I wonder if he’ll ever get his chance to shine?’_ Itachi leaned over and took the boy’s hand in a firm, yet gentle grip. “It’s nice to meet you as well, Sasuke-kun, but please do not say something you do not mean.”

Sasuke blinked. “Wh-what…?”

The teen smiled. “Don’t call me big brother until you mean it.”

“B-but it-it’s impolite-”

“I’d rather you be slightly impolite than having you lie straight to my face, Sasuke-kun. Call me ‘nii-san’ or ‘aniki’ when you feel that I have earned the title, not because it’s polite.”

The boy looked adorably confused. Mikoto-san looked like she was about to cry form happiness, Shisui looked more or less completely blank except for a small spark of interest in his black eyes, and Fugaku looked very displeased. The Hokage was sitting at his desk, and he had a small, knowing smile dancing about his lips.

Yes, Uchiha Itachi would shake the very foundations of the Uchiha Clan.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this first chapter was kinda slow, and I sincerely hope I didn’t get anything wrong when it comes to the FBI stuff. That part was influenced by the TV-series ‘Criminal Minds’, other than that it has no connection to it. The speed will pick up next chapter!


End file.
